I want to know what you’re waiting for. I want to know why you haven’t set this ship out to sea yet. Is it because this is the beginning of the semester and you’re still not settled yet and your schedule’s not even finalized yet? Is it because you dont want to scare me, since the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend makes you think (and correctly, just not for the right reason) that I’m a little broken, a little emotionally stunted, a little afraid to open up? Is it because you want me to make the first move? I dont understand why you’re taking your damn sweet time. I’m not going anywhere, but this doing nothing but making me scared.
Or maybe you’re not sure that I want you too, and I wish that I was the kind of person that could walk right up to you and tell you that you are in so many ways my ideal guy, that if I could take one of my ribs and build a man from it, he wouldn’t be that different from you…and I know that this doesn’t count for as much as it would if I were older and knew, really, what I was looking for and had dated a string of guys that aren’t right and had learned my lessons…and I know that there’s probably something about you that will come out later that will make you not right for me, and that there’s probably something about me that will come out that will make me not right for you…and I’m looking, I really am, and I haven’t seen it yet. But I can’t admit all that to you, because the thought of being that vulnerable scares me to death. I can’t talk feelings, so I hope you can see it in my eyes how much I want you to hold me, and that you can hear it in my voice, and feel it in the way I hold myself. Because it’s true. It’s true. I’ve been where I can only guess you are right now: let yourself believe it.
And I’m tired of waiting for you, of this endless circling dance we carefully trace the lines to. And I know, I know that I can make the first move just as well as you can, that this isn’t the age of swooning princesses and bold knights…but I dont think I’m strong enough to take the initiative. Besides, the doe-eyed part of me wants so badly for this to be my fairy tale, and jumping in first just isn’t in the script, so won’t you indulge my stupid little heart and be the prince it wants you to be? And do it soon, do it soon, because I’ve got a great poker face but underneath it all…sometimes I feel like I’m starting to break.
Most of all, above it all, please be what you seem. Please dont let this all be a game, please let me not find out that you’ve donned the skin of who you think I want you to be, or of how a guy is supposed to act. Please want me as much as you appear to want me. And please, please, dont change your mind about me, double back suddenly and leave me cold, alone and reeling on the side of the road. I was reluctant to take the first step, and even after that it took me a while to even admit I was walking, but now that I have I’ve come too far to not hurt if you abandoned me here. Please dont make a cynic of me, and please dont be the reason I stop believing in love.
I dont know if I can open up to you and I sure as hell don’t know if I can love you, but I want to find out. I’m still scared, of course I am, that this may very well end badly, and I’m very aware that it will hurt even more if it ends when I’m even deeper in and before I can start pulling out, and I know that the safest thing to do would be to snatch my heart back and run away right now…but at this point I dont think I even care. For you I’ll take the risk, and if I’m too scared to take the plunge I will at least pull off my shoes and wade. But I’m not strong; the water scares me and this is my first time swimming, so I need you to be it for me. I need you to take my hand and lead me in.
