Archive for August 2009
A Rare Storm Cloud
This is what I wrote last night, after I’d gotten back from a birthday/house party, and then a frat party. It was 2 AM ish. I was just barely tipsy. There are typos, but I dont like to correct them when I make them because I’m drunk, so they’ll stand.
I hate freshmen girls, I really do. I hate how they’re hot, and willing, and skanky. I hate skinny blond chicks with tiny little waists and huge blue eyes and how the boys love them. I hate how I’m not the only girl in the world.
First Day of Class
(Note: This post has absolutely nothing to do with the first day of class, other than the fact it happened to be today)
I guess I should have expected to have to deal with the roommate situation someday. After all, he’s got three, and even though they’re not like Rosemary, who’s in the room whenever she’s not in class, it’s not easy to find a good chunk of time roommate free. Thus I found myself sitting on the couch next to The Chemist, who prodded me and made “let’s go to my room” gestures the whole time, and who stroked my hip with his finger while his roommates watched TV and the two of us pretended to be watching too. Maybe it’s not a big deal for guys to have their friends know they’re in their room hooking up with a girl, and maybe I’m just being a sissy about it but I care! I care!
In the end I sucked it up, and if I were prone to blushing, my face would have been so red walking away to The Chemist’s room. And now I feel a little dirty, because they know, not that they wouldn’t have known anyway. But they know!
Checking In
I realise I have posted absolutely nothing in over a week, and when I noticed how quiet I’ve been I started trying to think up of interesting things to say, but I didn’t have any. I still have nothing to say, because no one wants to read (and I dont want to write) about sleeping in until 1 everyday then crawling out of bed, grabbing Starbucks, and spending the rest of the day fiddling on my brother’s Wii. But I figured I should at least check in for the sake of checking in.
Glad I Went, Not Glad I Drank So Much
Look, I made it back in one piece! (Except for my pride and dignity, but who really needs those? Pffft.)
I’m still a little surprised I went. I kept thinking I’d chicken out, but after I’d made such a big deal of it to everyone, I couldn’t not go. So at 8:30 I texted Crew Guy to ask him the time. 10:30. That meant I’d aim to show up at 11, because I figured if everyone was drunk and dancing, no one would notice a girl standing there by herself. I dont mind being the only sober one in a room (not that it’s happened yet), because then I’m the one laughing at everyone, and not the other way around. So I loitered around the apartment until just past 11, calming my nerves: “Wtf is wrong with you, stupid girl? You’re going to a party, not jumping out of a plane. Pussy.” And just like how every intimidating thing is easier done without thinking about it, in one swift movement, with one deep breath, I grabbed my things and stepped out the door.
Walking up the street to Crew Guy’s place, I had to tell myself twice, “Keep going, girl.” Could I have just turned back? What, and have to explain to Rosemary that I’m a coward? I kind of dont want to admit it, but out of everyone I know, Rosemary’s opinion is one of the ones in which I hold the highest esteem (was that sentence grammatically correct?). I think it’s because most of my friends, myself included, dont have the best moral compasses, and we know it, and we dont care much. But Rosemary, she’s a bit of a prude, and I’ll let you on in the secret that sometimes we bitch about it behind her back (nothing personal, we bitch about everyone behind their backs). But, if someone who’s prudish thinks highly of me, doesn’t that say something good about me?
Why I Can’t Chicken Out
1. I texted Club Guy asking about it. I told him “Watch me chicken out because I dont know anyone.” Now my pride’s on the line.
2. I told Rosemary I would. We had an entire conversation in which she was horrified I was walking up to Frat Row alone at night, and I said things along the line of “I’ve done it before and I’m still alive.”
3. I have my makeup on. I have an outfit ready. I’m pretty much good to go.
4. I need to prove to myself that I’m not a pussy.
5. It’ll make it easier for me to do similar things in the future. What’s that thing about putting yourself out there and doing something you’re scared to do every day?
6. I want to get drunk again.
Here I go. If I dont write again, I probably got knifed walking home. No need to worry, I probably deserved it.
Way to Call My Bluff, Life
(AKA boring stuff no one care about)
Remember Crew Guy? Today in the class we have together we were doing course evaluations, and when I got up to turn mine he did too, and kind of hovered for a bit before walking to the “end” of the makeshift “line” that was forming behind the desk. If I was over analytical I’d say that he wanted to talk to me, and that he’d timed it so that we were at the desk at the same time, but that would be if I was over analytical. Har Har.
I passed by him on the way back to my seat and we said Hi, and then I heard him saying something to me, so I turned around.
I Dont Wanna Share Anymore
Or, the Obligatory Roommate Rant Part 2.
Bitch, can you stop drinking my expensive coffee drinks? You’ve had more than I have already, and I specifically put only one in to cool in the fridge so you wouldn’t drink it, because I thought you were more decent than that, and I specifically put in the flavor that I like better but have never had because you’ve taken all of those. Also, you just had a dinner in which I bought every single ingredient except the cooking oil, and this morning your breakfast was also mine. And you haven’t spent a cent on the food we’ve cooked in the last three weeks. I’m not a person prone to confrontation, violent or not, but I would really like nothing more than to punch you right now.
You know what? It makes me feel better that it’s an obligatory roommate rant. It casts the illusion that everyone who’s ever lived with a parasite another person has grievances. Heck, she probably has grievances against me. Heck, the bitch better have grievances against me. I refuse to be the only one suffering here.
Simplification
Oh, I totally forgot that I meant to write about “hanging out” with The Chemist. Let’s see how concise I can be:
Got a text this morning but had class until 5:30 (told him 6). Came home and ate dinner, intending to text him later. Got text at 6:30: “come over”. Got back dressed and headed out disgruntled. Forgot cell; came back into get it. Ran into 2 hot guys on the way, exchanged banter, noted that they lived upstairs. Resisted urge to stalk. Wrote on my ipod:
“On my way to see the chemist. all the way across campus. & not happy bout it. why do I keep doing this?”
Fully expecting to come home feeling used. Was pushed up against the wall in a dark hallway. “Want to hook up?” “No.” Sat on the couch and talked. Boobs and tummy getting stroked, jaw and neck getting kissed. Kept getting begged for “hook up”, but said no because to me “hook up”=sex. Not adverse to bj though; was fully aware going in where this would lead. 20 minutes of pleading, then bj in bedroom. Locked door & flip-flop in front of it. Roommates came home: “Moooooo!” Swallowed two loads of cum. Didn’t take very long: suprising. Love cock, if not guy cock is attatched to. The Chemist: “I think it was the idea that we could get caught.” Laid on a blanket on the floor of the darkening room with male arms around me. Surprisingly, wasn’t in bad mood. Turned down offer of oral. Avoided 50 billion “why wont you have sex with me?” questions. Tried to think of nice way to say “Looking for the right guy, & it’s not you.”
Told The Chemist I’d walk self home; big girl now, can take care of self. On a whim, stopped by Peets for an iced au Lait. Unexplicably, really needed to see one of the baristas I talk to there a lot. (Dont have crush on him, but easily could) Think I needed reassurance that guys could be witty and fun. Didn’t think he was there at first, then heard clatter near the bathrooms. Gave him a smile. Sloshed coffee on floor & did my best cleaning it up quickly. Didn’t want to look like i was making excuse to talk to him, even though I totally wanted to.
Came home.
Unsaid
List of things I would say to people if I could say it in a vacuum, by which I mean say it and not have to worry about embarrassment, being hurt, hurting someone, or ugly consequences. Also if I could contact the person, if I wasn’t such a sissy, of if I wasn’t so stubborn. Each of these are meant for one specific person, except for #11, which I would ask of two people.
The Early Bird gets the Beating
Rosemary and I are waiting for the crosswalk to let us go. A bunch of skater-looking teens were standing on the same corner waiting to cross the perpendicular street. Their light turns green. One of them hangs back. A guy; taller than me; he looks about sixteen, but may have been older. He’s got green hair, a billion facial piercings, the works.
He says to me, “Hey, do you think you could take me home and beat me?”
“Yeah, sure, let’s go.” I reply swiftly and casually. He’s already stepped off the curb, but comes bounding back at this to stand by my side. He looks at me sideways, surprised.
“Really? What’s your name?”
It’s at this point that I tell him that I was just kidding, and he goes “aww!” and runs off before the light turns red, calling over his shoulder “have a nice day!”
What I really should have said next, but didn’t think of until 2 minutes later: “I’m just kidding. Sorry, but I already beat up someone this morning.”
