Life Worth Living

How does it feel to have passed a birthday, a milestone birthday without balloons, without a cake, without candles or cards or celebrations…with nothing to distinguish it from any other day-in-the-life but the obligatory “Happy Birthdays” from the family, friends, and Facebook acquaintances I otherwise haven’t spoken to in years? Well…it feels just fine, thank you.

I mean I feel so bad for complaining, like I should instead be thankful to have a home and a loving family and great friends and to be in a good place in life and attending one of the best schools in the nation—in the world—and to have (hopefully) a very bright future ahead of me. All this I know, and all this I am thankful for when I’m not too busy pouting and worrying about said (hopefully) bright future and missing my boyfriend, and yet…it’s just hard to not to feel a little let down when it’s your 21st birthday, the big birthday, the one often spent in Vegas, in Atlantic City, in bars and clubs or at a surprise bash thrown just for you…when you spent it stuck alone at home all day watching TV reruns and doing puzzles out of a puzzle book. And then you were guilted into going to a neighbor’s barbecue even though you really didn’t want to go because whenever you go over to their house you spend it sitting awkwardly on the couch reading childrens’ books because you have nothing else to do and listening to your mother talk about you to the other parents, and the food’s not even that good, and then after dinner there’s really no point in sticking around because the adults are just chatting about adult stuff but you don’t want to leave just then because you don’t want it to seem like you were there just for food, even though you totally were, so you just sit there for a bit longer awkwardly and finally beg out and escape like a shot. And meanwhile your brother is at a friend’s goodbye party.

It’s nobody’s fault. It was just a bad day to have a birthday, what with so many other people throwing get-togethers and what with it being in the middle of summer and all. JT was working like he always does on weekends, my other high-school/SJ friends were out of town, my college friends were home for the summer (as was I), and my boyfriend wasn’t even in the country. And when my parents asked briefly over dinner the other night if there was anything special I wanted to do for my birthday, I told them I couldn’t think of anything in particular, but would get back to them if something came to mind. It’s not like people didn’t want to celebrate my birthday with me, it’s that they couldn’t.

But still, it hurt just a little bit because it’s not every day that I turn 21. It hurt a little bit more remembering Buttercup’s reports of the fantastic time she had on her 21st when her cousins took her out to get wasted, and thinking about the antics that I will be sure to participate in on Jasmine’s 21st in November. And then I remembered when it was the birthday of Leone’s best friend’s girlfriend and she had at least three different mini-celebrations spanning the entire week, a birthday dinner, a birthday party, and a birthday lunch (which my own boyfriend treated her to), and possibly other occasions that I wasn’t aware of—and well, recalling that hurt a little more. Finally, yesterday I walked into the grocery store to buy strawberries and lemonade to make (you guessed it) strawberry-lemonade and coming right down the aisle was a man holding a humongous birthday balloon. It was a small thing (although not literally), but it made me smile bitterly, because I wanted a humongous birthday balloon that I would have nothing to do with, which I would leave in the corner and it would look festive for the next few weeks and then start drooping sadly and losing air and altitude until it finally collapsed upon the floor, a sad foil-y mess, and then I would stare at it sadly not wanting to throw away but not knowing what to do with it, thinking about letting all the air out so I could flatten it and hang it on my wall, but too lazy to do it. And then the next day I would find that my mom had tossed it out.

But like I said, I shouldn’t complain too much, and I’m not even that torn up about it. This afternoon JT drove over to pick me up with an entire handle of Captain Morgan for me (now safely stashed in my closet), and Leone has been promising to celebrate belatedly when he gets back. Plus, it’s not like it’ll be hard to come upon opportunities to drink once I’m back in Berkeley.

To blabber about something else, JT and Tai are now officially boyfriend—er—boyfriend. Within 20 days of knowing each other, which is quick, but nowhere near quick for JT. Oh, and Tai invited himself to our Vegas trip, booked an expensive hotel room and will be taking JT away to sleep with him. Which—you know, I like the guy, and when JT asked I said and mostly believed that I wouldn’t mind if he came. But still, this is our trip. Tai barely knows me, he doesn’t know Rosemary at all, and he gets along with JT but who knows if he’ll get along with his friends. For him to go and without consulting Rosemary or I, and with only an off-handed ‘OK’ from JT which he said jokingly…for him to not only insert himself into our trip but also take JT away from us every night just seems a little too forward. Not only that, but the fact that he’s booked an expensive room while we were careful to get a mediocre one as to not spend too much money…doesn’t that just seem a little tactless?

I don’t actually mind that Tai will be there too much because I do like him, and although I would prefer that he wasn’t there (because it’ll completely change the dynamic and who knows if we’ll all get along) it’s the principle of the matter that I have a problem with. You don’t go and invite yourself to things, especially when it’s a vacation and you don’t even know the people you’re going with. You just don’t. I just wish I could tell JT without it being awkward or him feeling bad, and what difference would it make? The tickets are purchased, the room booked. It’s too late.

It’s the same red flag going up as I saw with all of JT’s previous SOs, the inviting themselves to events thing, the inability to be seperated. Maybe he didn’t mean to, because he seems like a nice guy. It’s quite possible that his intention was to have a room there so that JT wouldn’t have to share with us, and so that they could hang out a little in the evenings, and he doesn’t mean to go everywhere with us and participate in all our activities because believe it or not he is nice enough for that. BUT, how can he expect that we would just leave him alone to Kindle in his room while we went off to frolic? He’s making it an impossible situation, and the more I think about it the more I believe that his presence will be a damper on the dynamics and the more it’s rubbing me the wrong way. So I guess I need to stop thinking about it.

You know what Leone did do for my birthday? Left me a voicemail and emailed me a picture of a picture that he’d drawn for me for my birthday. I smiled for minutes looking at it, although I’m sorry to admit I accidentally deleted the voicemail. D’OH moment. He’s also sent me postcards featuring his messy guy-scrawl which I got this morning and loved. I’m leaving for Europe myself two days from now, and even though he’d called me every day for the past week, Leone is now in a more remote area of Italy/camping and doesn’t have ready access to a phone (the voicemail he left using precious cellphone roaming time on account that it was my birthday). I’m a little worried because once I leave I won’t have a set phone number until I get onto the cruiseship (and phone usage there might not be free) and I don’t know his phone number, so it’s likely that we’ll be out of touch for the entire two weeks. We said we’d figure it out before I left, but we haven’t had the chance to even talk since Friday, so it’s a little frustrating. Should I mention again that this is the first time since we first spoke right after Thanksgiving that we haven’t been in contact every single day? Well, but at least I know that it’s not just the proximity keeping us together.

So I leave in two days, and I’m not foreseeing that a  post will appear between now and then, and I can foresee even less that I’ll have the good fortune to stumble upon a hub of internet in Europe which from all reports (one report) is devastatingly internetless for tourists. SO, goodbye for now blog. See you on the other side of July.