Archive for November 2010
A Case of the Irrationals
(Or proof that I am, after all, a girl)
Since I’ve come back from Thanksgiving break, Leone has seemed extra affectionate towards me, something which he’s never been lacking of in the first place. I chock it up to our not having seen each other for 4 days, which is probably the longest time we’ve been apart since he came back in August. Oh, and a few days ago we had an anniversary of sorts, really the first one we’ve actually acknowledged/been able to identify: that day one year ago was the first time he started talking to me online (I remember because he greeted me with the date in the message). It was right after I returned from last year’s Thanksgiving, and since then hardly a day’s gone by when we didn’t
talk. Not counting, of course, when I was out in the middle of the ocean faced with $6/minute phone rates, or when our schedules didn’t match up/we didn’t have calling cards while Leone was in Europe—because who could blame us then?
Anyway, last night after Leone left the apartment after hanging out and watching TV here for a few hours, he called me to tell me a piece of news, and added that he’d like to drive out during my 1.5 hour break to have lunch. He’s going to his grandma’s later today to celebrate his birthday and won’t be home until the evening, and even though we usually don’t see each other on Tuesdays/Thursdays until the evenings and had made plans for him to come over when he got home, it would be nice to hang out for a little before then. That is, if he’s able to wake up in time. Since he graduated in May, and until he finds a job/goes to grad school Leone has been sleeping in until noon-1ish every day, a life that I would lead if I didn’t have to drag myself to class, and a life that I, as a night-owl, envy very much. I knew that it was unlikely that he would wake up in time to make the narrow window and I teased him a little about not getting my hopes up, but he implied that he would make the effort.
Profiled.
It’s strange that even now, after all that has happened, after all these months, whenever I look at his old facebook profile picture, the one that he hasn’t changed once since I’ve known him, and I see his bemused face looking back at me, he feels like a stranger. I get nervous when I look at him, anxious, all a-jitter. As if we were still stuck in that long, long period of flirtation and hope and uncertainty. As if I should be ashamed to be on his page, staring at his photo. He feels like the boy I fell so deeply in like with, whom I didn’t yet know would one day become my first everything, and the one I fell in love with.
There, I Said It.
I love him too.
I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe I just wrote those words, that the internet is the first to know, that this blog has to be the place they first alight after stumbling out from the dark recesses of my mind, where I’ve been hoarding them so long. If I’d thought about it, I wouldn’t have typed them, or I would’ve talked about it without directly saying those words, because doesn’t Leone deserve to be the first to know? But it’s too late now. If only telling him were as easy as typing that sentence just was.
To be honest, I’ve known that I love him since mid-September, and I still haven’t told him. At first I was giving it some time to try to make sure I was sure before I said it, and after that I just kept finding excuses. I don’t want to plan out a perfect moment, a perfect speech, because that just feels too scripted, but I also don’t want to just throw it out there at a completely unromantic moment, either. Sometimes I think it would be kind of nice to say it out of the blue as we’re walking down the street, because that’s sweet and a story in its own way, and other times I want that romance. I’ve been hoping that I’ve been keeping it in for so long that it’ll just burst out of me one day at the most inopportune of times, and that will make it the loveliest of all, but that hasn’t happened yet because when it comes to feelings I always always think and rethink before I speak.
Sometimes I’m afraid that he doesn’t love me anymore, even though everything he does says otherwise, so I consider bringing up that phone conversation as a lead-in, because maybe he’ll say it again and then it’ll come easy. And then I think—no, this is my time to say it. I’ve briefly entertained the idea of secretly taking some liquid courage beforehand, but that’s cheating, an easy way out.
The more I think about it, the more I know I need to just do it. Just do it, and don’t think. I’m thinking about this way too much, and by thinking about not planning it I’m actually planning it. Funny thing.
And oh—I never really understood what people meant when they said, “when you’re in love, you’ll know.” I remember back in July, thinking about it from all different angles, trying to figure out whether I loved him or just really really liked him, and back then when I thought “I like him,” my brain went “YES” and when I thought “I love him,” it went “…” And since September, “I love him” is a “YES”. It just feels right, and when I think “I like him,” …I can’t even recall that feeling anymore. They were right. I just knew, and I don’t know the how or why of it, but somewhere in these months I’ve found the trust in love that I was never quite sure I had, as a sometimes-cynic. Not that it conquers all or that it’s never wrong or that it’s forever, because those discoveries are for the seasoned and I’m still an amateur, but that it exists. And for now, that’s good enough for me.
