There, I Said It.
I love him too.
I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe I just wrote those words, that the internet is the first to know, that this blog has to be the place they first alight after stumbling out from the dark recesses of my mind, where I’ve been hoarding them so long. If I’d thought about it, I wouldn’t have typed them, or I would’ve talked about it without directly saying those words, because doesn’t Leone deserve to be the first to know? But it’s too late now. If only telling him were as easy as typing that sentence just was.
To be honest, I’ve known that I love him since mid-September, and I still haven’t told him. At first I was giving it some time to try to make sure I was sure before I said it, and after that I just kept finding excuses. I don’t want to plan out a perfect moment, a perfect speech, because that just feels too scripted, but I also don’t want to just throw it out there at a completely unromantic moment, either. Sometimes I think it would be kind of nice to say it out of the blue as we’re walking down the street, because that’s sweet and a story in its own way, and other times I want that romance. I’ve been hoping that I’ve been keeping it in for so long that it’ll just burst out of me one day at the most inopportune of times, and that will make it the loveliest of all, but that hasn’t happened yet because when it comes to feelings I always always think and rethink before I speak.
Sometimes I’m afraid that he doesn’t love me anymore, even though everything he does says otherwise, so I consider bringing up that phone conversation as a lead-in, because maybe he’ll say it again and then it’ll come easy. And then I think—no, this is my time to say it. I’ve briefly entertained the idea of secretly taking some liquid courage beforehand, but that’s cheating, an easy way out.
The more I think about it, the more I know I need to just do it. Just do it, and don’t think. I’m thinking about this way too much, and by thinking about not planning it I’m actually planning it. Funny thing.
And oh—I never really understood what people meant when they said, “when you’re in love, you’ll know.” I remember back in July, thinking about it from all different angles, trying to figure out whether I loved him or just really really liked him, and back then when I thought “I like him,” my brain went “YES” and when I thought “I love him,” it went “…” And since September, “I love him” is a “YES”. It just feels right, and when I think “I like him,” …I can’t even recall that feeling anymore. They were right. I just knew, and I don’t know the how or why of it, but somewhere in these months I’ve found the trust in love that I was never quite sure I had, as a sometimes-cynic. Not that it conquers all or that it’s never wrong or that it’s forever, because those discoveries are for the seasoned and I’m still an amateur, but that it exists. And for now, that’s good enough for me.
