Swimming with Sharks
One of the things that I’m coming more and more to realize about myself since I’ve been gone (I’m referring to the months-long break I took from this blog, which wasn’t due to reasons interesting enough to explain) is that I’m truly afraid to open up emotionally. This was most recently realized while I was watching The Bachelor. What? Like I’m the only one with guilty pleasures.
And by the way—a quick aside—there’s a way the show uses to justify itself in the face of its horrible track record of successful couples that’s actually kind of compelling. In fact, I wonder why they haven’t pulled out that excuse earlier…or maybe they’d never thought of it before, seeing as I only heard of it as a quick comment from the host. Anyway, as much as the show tries to frame itself as a process which allows one man (or woman) find the person he’s going to marry and grow old with, what it actually does is help the man (or woman) find someone who he has a strong romantic connection with, a spark that they can go and build a life and a marriage off of, once the camera’s stop rolling. The Bachelor (or Bachelorette) doesn’t end up with a wife (or husband), he ends up with someone who could be his wife (or husband), and that part’s all up to them. Problem is, the show itself claims so much more and, well, that’s reality TV.
Back to the main idea. One of the finalists on this season told the camera something along the lines of “I always thought that I was a strong person, and it’s simple enough to go into (date involving some sort of thrilling/dangerous activity) acting tough. But during our serious conversations, I can’t be tough. Being strong in this case means being vulnerable and opening up.”
And despite the time Leone and I have spent together and how close we’ve become, how good we’ve gotten at reading each other, I’ve never quite been vulnerable. I’ve never quite opened up. We’ve had serious discussions, even debates, but almost never about our feelings toward each other. It’s still too scary. It’s my fault entirely, and I know that it’s something I’ll eventually have to deal with. I’m just not sure how, and I’m not sure I’ll be strong enough to take the first step. He might have to give me a push.
