Posts Tagged ‘Crew Guy’
First Day of Class
(Note: This post has absolutely nothing to do with the first day of class, other than the fact it happened to be today)
I guess I should have expected to have to deal with the roommate situation someday. After all, he’s got three, and even though they’re not like Rosemary, who’s in the room whenever she’s not in class, it’s not easy to find a good chunk of time roommate free. Thus I found myself sitting on the couch next to The Chemist, who prodded me and made “let’s go to my room” gestures the whole time, and who stroked my hip with his finger while his roommates watched TV and the two of us pretended to be watching too. Maybe it’s not a big deal for guys to have their friends know they’re in their room hooking up with a girl, and maybe I’m just being a sissy about it but I care! I care!
In the end I sucked it up, and if I were prone to blushing, my face would have been so red walking away to The Chemist’s room. And now I feel a little dirty, because they know, not that they wouldn’t have known anyway. But they know!
Glad I Went, Not Glad I Drank So Much
Look, I made it back in one piece! (Except for my pride and dignity, but who really needs those? Pffft.)
I’m still a little surprised I went. I kept thinking I’d chicken out, but after I’d made such a big deal of it to everyone, I couldn’t not go. So at 8:30 I texted Crew Guy to ask him the time. 10:30. That meant I’d aim to show up at 11, because I figured if everyone was drunk and dancing, no one would notice a girl standing there by herself. I dont mind being the only sober one in a room (not that it’s happened yet), because then I’m the one laughing at everyone, and not the other way around. So I loitered around the apartment until just past 11, calming my nerves: “Wtf is wrong with you, stupid girl? You’re going to a party, not jumping out of a plane. Pussy.” And just like how every intimidating thing is easier done without thinking about it, in one swift movement, with one deep breath, I grabbed my things and stepped out the door.
Walking up the street to Crew Guy’s place, I had to tell myself twice, “Keep going, girl.” Could I have just turned back? What, and have to explain to Rosemary that I’m a coward? I kind of dont want to admit it, but out of everyone I know, Rosemary’s opinion is one of the ones in which I hold the highest esteem (was that sentence grammatically correct?). I think it’s because most of my friends, myself included, dont have the best moral compasses, and we know it, and we dont care much. But Rosemary, she’s a bit of a prude, and I’ll let you on in the secret that sometimes we bitch about it behind her back (nothing personal, we bitch about everyone behind their backs). But, if someone who’s prudish thinks highly of me, doesn’t that say something good about me?
Why I Can’t Chicken Out
1. I texted Club Guy asking about it. I told him “Watch me chicken out because I dont know anyone.” Now my pride’s on the line.
2. I told Rosemary I would. We had an entire conversation in which she was horrified I was walking up to Frat Row alone at night, and I said things along the line of “I’ve done it before and I’m still alive.”
3. I have my makeup on. I have an outfit ready. I’m pretty much good to go.
4. I need to prove to myself that I’m not a pussy.
5. It’ll make it easier for me to do similar things in the future. What’s that thing about putting yourself out there and doing something you’re scared to do every day?
6. I want to get drunk again.
Here I go. If I dont write again, I probably got knifed walking home. No need to worry, I probably deserved it.
Way to Call My Bluff, Life
(AKA boring stuff no one care about)
Remember Crew Guy? Today in the class we have together we were doing course evaluations, and when I got up to turn mine he did too, and kind of hovered for a bit before walking to the “end” of the makeshift “line” that was forming behind the desk. If I was over analytical I’d say that he wanted to talk to me, and that he’d timed it so that we were at the desk at the same time, but that would be if I was over analytical. Har Har.
I passed by him on the way back to my seat and we said Hi, and then I heard him saying something to me, so I turned around.
Summer School Tediums
I haven’t been writing much. It’s a far cry from a few weeks into the summer, where one or even two posts a day would be my fortress into which I fled from inevitable boredom. It’s nice to be busy again…although ask me at a time I’m in the actual throes of said business rather than coming off my first week of it and I’ll share a different sentiment. Ask me two weeks from now—at any time of day—and I’ll smack you, then go back in time via sheer force of will and smack my past self for ever feeling pleasantly busy.
I had to keep reminding myself that despite the papers, the foot’s worth of reading (in thickness of texts, I mean), and the midterms, it’s still summer. I’d thought I’d be here among older people, grad students, and summer exchange students, and not many potential friends. Instead, I’m already making one and remaking another. This friend I’m remaking I knew from FPF, back in the first semester of my first year here. I used to refer to him as Crew Guy to Aster, back when we giggled and whispered and I-know-more-guys-than-you’d at each other over aim every night (sometimes I wish we still did that. I now rarely speak to her). Crew Guy used to like me.
Now, I never had any confirmation that he did, and if I’m right, still, it was probably no more than a casual interest developed and ended all within two months. But I recognized the signs—the flirtation, the glances, the boyish awkward nudging as we sat side by side in a scene rehersal waiting for our lines to come up. It was there, but it never amounted to anything.
He came up to me during a 10 minute break in class today, although I would’ve gone to him if he hadn’t come over anyway. We talked a little, and then he invited me to his friend’s birthday party. Tonight. A casual invite: this is where I live, this is the time, come if you want. For a moment I was tempted…but I don’t know his friend. I hardly know him. It’s bound to be awkward…yet I’d come out of it with new friends, and hadn’t I been the one moping about wanting to meet new people? It was an opportunity.
I’m not going. Besides that I’ve already forgotten where he lives, I’ve only seen Crew Guy twice since not seeing him for over a year. Whatever friendship is there to re-establish, whichever new friends are there to meet, they can wait. It’s not a very hard decision. I can wait. I just hope I’m not waiting for something that’ll never come.
