Life Worth Living

I’m exhausted today. Utterly spent, drained, and downright sore. But it was  the happiest getting there I’ve been in a while.

Rosemary and I had been planning a weekday “weekend” trip to Monterrey (a location chosen solely because the sleepy, beachy little town just seemed right for a comfortable relaxing weekend trip–it couldn’t stack up, of course, Carmel-By-The-Sea, but we didn’t feel like goin’ broke and their shops are too high end for us, besides. So for the entire week leading up to spring break we kept talking about it but didn’t really get much done in the way of planning past talking to people about it and sighing wistfully every hour over our Livy, because firstly, we were not sure of everyone’s schedules, and secondly, because it’s damn hard to plan something so big when we all live miles apart.

By Monday we decided we were overshooting and decided to just make a daytrip out of it. We chose San Francisco because of its accessibility and this morning at 8 we all met at JT’s house–Aster, Toad, Rosemary, and I—piled into JT’s little silver Prius, and we were off. (By the way, I do have slight qualms about disclosing the make and model of JT’s car, but I figure, anyone who knows us would have known who I am already from the rest of this post, the rest of my blog, they dont need me to ID JT’s car to put the puzzle together).

Read the rest of this entry »

So it’s really ending. It’s really ending. Everything. School, friends, summer, my childhood, this entire chapter of my life. Shut down, closed, locked and barred in a room that has windows for you to see into, but no door. There’s no way of going back.

And it’s funny, but I never really felt it until now. July 6, I skipped aboard an airplane to Japan, and after the “no ticket” scare, I was hustled and bustled back here on the 18th, slept home for two nights, and left for Cal the Sunday after (I got back friday). And admit everything that’s happened–Welcome week, packing and unpacking, then packing again, Berkeley, LA, Japan, I’ve never really had the time to stop and think “It’s all ending, soon”. But tomorrow are my first classes, and Prince’s leaving next next week, and he wont be home next week except maybe friday and labor day, and I might not be home next week, and I really, really wish it would all stop for a day.

I kept thinking, that if I had my laptop opened while the plane was taking off from Tokyo, I’d have written a really sappy, sad post about how I miss Japan and want to both go back and come home, and how I’m not just flying toward SJ, I’m flying toward my new life, and how I’m eighteen now, and how lonely I felt…but I kept putting it off, then putting it off. And then I didn’t have internet, and then I was too tired, and then I was out with my friends.

But I’m writing now, and I dont feel much better than I did that night I left Japan for good. I dont know why it’s all coming back to me now for goodness’ sake; I was with my friends yesterday too, and probably will never see Toad or Goody Two Shoes again…but it might have been riding in Prince’s car again, listening to his music blasting through the windows again, driving home past the school I spent 4 wonderful years at again, and taking the same route home I’ve taken every school day for the past year, and every time I was coming home from the right direction.

I know it’s natural for an eighteen year old entering college for the first time to be sad, and I know I probably dont even have it that bad. Heck, I realise that I’m lucky to live an hour from campus, close enough to come home every freakin’ day if I wanted to, and that Best Friend’s only an hour away. And at least Prince and Goody Two Shoes and Toad and everyone else are still in California. But it’s not just that. It’s that things will never, ever be the same again. We’re eighteen, you cant tell me four eighteen year olds will live a year in a completely different place, completely different lifestyle (except JT, if you want to get technical), and not change at all. It’s just plain impossible. But I dont know. Sometimes I start writing and I dont know where I’m headed, or what I wanted to say. My thoughts are just so jumbled right now.

I love it at Cal, or I do so far, and I love Telegraph, and Crossroads, and Sproul Plaza, and I’m so excited to meet new people and friends and start my classes, but at the same time I’m just so damn sad. But that’s natural, as I’ve stated. I’ll live. I cant stay here forever, and although I wish the four of uscould all be together, that would just tie me down. I have my phone, and I have my AIM, and Facebook, and planes and trains and cars and for the most part, I’m content.

And I’ll be back next weekend, and the next. And everything will work out. Eventually.